I stopped writing publicly because all the twists and turns my life was taking were far too personal to share. This year has truly been what feels like a battle of myself against the world. I have more good days than bad lately and I am so proud of the progress I have made, but I certainly have many more miles of ground to cover.If somebody would have told me at the beginning of this year what my life would look like by the time Thanksgiving rolled around, I would have laughed in disbelief and never gave it a second thought. I have been broken down in every possible category ranging from my family to work to my love life to life long friendships to financial burdens. As stressful as things have been, I am proudly putting the pieces back together and creating a new puzzle of what I want for myself in this new chapter.
I have had more than enough rock bottom moments in the past six months but each scenario some how felt more cruel than the last. It is true what they say, things could always be worse. I say all of this to make it clear that I have never been a stronger person than the woman I am today but it has come at a cost.
My heart is heavier than usual since the holidays are right around the corner and my life could not feel any more foreign than it does right now. Any sense of normalcy or comfort I once held on to has been ripped away from me; not by choice but by circumstances.
Loyalty of those around me has been put to the test and dramatically changed the way I view others. It has placed a level of pain and frustration in my heart that I wish I never knew and battle with every day. I see strangers in the place of people I would have given my last to a few months ago.
Some days I am thankful for the pain I have endured and grown from. Other days, it feels like the way my life is playing out is an incredible mistake and I cannot help but think “what if this one thing went differently, where would I be now?” But the reality is, until I figure out how to build a time machine, I will never know what could have been when it comes to this or that.
I am learning to let go of what is out of my control and appreciate the blessings coming my way. My new normal is taking a lot of adjusting but different is not always a bad thing.