I’m currently on a much needed family vacation.
On the flight to our destination, my sister asked if I wanted to watch Kevin Hart’s most recent stand up comedy “What Now?” with her. I was all for it considering I hate flying and love Kevin Hart. It was the perfect light hearted distraction until we were back on land as was laughed the time away.
A few days later, it was a rainy Friday night as I flipped through the TV guide searching for something to watch. I was kind of falling into a funky mood because of a text I got. Not fully paying attention, the familiar title “Kevin Hart What Now” caught my eye.
I paused for a moment deciding if I wanted to watch it again. I opted to select the channel to see what part it was at only to realize it was “Kevin Hart What Now All Access” – a behind the scenes look that led up to his historical “What Now” performance in a sold-out football stadium.
I caught it at the beginning of the hour and tuned in. A little more than half way through I found clarity in my next topic as Kevin talked about the success he’s achieved chasing his dreams. He started out in small comedy clubs and worked his way to the big screen. He’s found success in everything he’s put his mind to from comedy to his fitness journey to acting. Naturally, everybody asks him, “What Now, Kevin?”
I zoned out for a bit as I grabbed my laptop and started the brainstorming process, reflecting on my recent days.
I’ve gone through the same cycle of emotions for weeks on end. It starts with sadness and then comes the overwhelming sense of defeat followed by the self-to-self pep talks to snap out of it. Slowly but surely, I pick myself up just to fall into the same dark hole a short time later when things aren’t going my way. I’m not progressing how I want because somewhere along the lines I revert back to old behaviors.
“How long do I keep going in the same toxic circle? What now?” I asked myself.
Don’t get me wrong though, I’ve made progress, but sometimes I’m just going through the motions. There’s often a wishful thought buried deep within that eventually somebody will come along and save me from myself. I haven’t gotten to where I want to be because I’m still depending on other people.
I want so badly to be that person that can handle everything on my own without looking to outsiders to put me at ease. Some days I wonder if I’m trying to turn into something I’m not, but I want better for myself more than anything. Dependency in any form is unhealthy.
I may make the same mistake two or seven times because I’m too stubborn for my own good, but sooner or later I’ll give myself the reality check I need.
This vacation couldn’t have come at a better time. I stepped away from the everyday noise and made the most of it. I can’t keep putting myself on the back burner and expect to find the happiness I’m aiming for.
Acknowledge your personal needs and do things solely to benefit you.
I find clarity through writing because it allows me to organize floating thoughts and put them to rest. Making lists is almost therapeutic for me because it eliminates the potential of worrying about what I’m forgetting to do or the regret of realizing I’ve forgotten to do something. I do a happy dance inside when I can cross things off a to-do list. Visual progress is rewarding.
I started listening to songs without words such as sleep sounds or meditation instrumentals. I deleted old music that takes me back to places I want to forget. I’d rather remain neutral and keep my peace of mind. Not to mention, meditation instrumentals are suuuper relaxing.
I’m an irritable person so I quietly step away to an unoccupied room when I feel myself getting annoyed for no reason. I know that I need my alone time and its unnecessary to affect others with my negative energy. If I need to cry, I let it out. If there’s something I need to get off my chest, I say it instead of letting it brew.
The list goes on but the point is, I’m learning what works for me and what doesn’t & tweaking old habits. I’m listening to my intuition and cleansing my soul of negativity. The little things add up when it comes to taking care of yourself.
My healing path will differ from the next person’s so learn what works for you. Trial and error is your best teacher.
Whether it’s physical or emotional – recovering from traumatic experiences doesn’t come over night. Yes, we all wish we could snap our fingers and be as happy as a clam but self-healing can be a challenging process. You have to want to help yourself. If you feel as though you’re doing everything you can but nothing is working, tweak your routine and try something completely out of the ordinary.
In retrospect, I wouldn’t have been so drawn to watching Kevin Hart’s All Access documentary if my sister hadn’t downloaded the actual “What Now” performance to watch on the plane in the first place. The inspirational, behind the scenes part of it gave me the reality check I needed to continue in the direction of bettering myself.
This blog has not only been my source of relief but it’s pushed me to a level of openness I naively didn’t anticipate. Imagine pouring your heart out into your journal and then posting it all over social media..
It was unbelievably awkward to post “Mind Over Matter” a motivational post about being unstoppable, only to follow up with “Lonely Chaos” a post about feeling terribly alone and defeated. The opposite titles speak for themselves. I deleted “Lonely Chaos” within the first hour I posted it because I’d never felt so vulnerable and exposed on such a public platform.
I’m a pretty private person so blogging is a new extreme. I don’t hold back because I want it to be raw but that also leaves me wide open to judgment from anybody. People may be supportive, they may hold details against me, they may read just to be nosy and make fun of me, and/or they may be offended but at the end of the day my writing is an honest reflection of my journey.
I’ve been forced to own who I am and as uncomfortable as it is, I’m growing from it.
Self-healing and personal growth is not a walk in the park but sometimes things have to get worse in order for them to get better. Force yourself to smile. Motivate yourself. Send yourself love and positivity. Dedicate time to yourself. Cure yourself.
Understand that you need your undivided attention to create your own sunshine.