Lonely Chaos

My previous post focused on overcoming obstacles through mental strength. Fittingly enough, I’ve personally been put to the test ever since.

I delayed my weekly post for a bit because I’ve been distracted with my loved ones and trying to keep myself afloat at the same time. Nothing outside of the two have mattered much to me. I’m not entirely sure where I’m going with this post but I need to clear my thoughts so stick with me. My brain is one teeny tiny incident away from a mass explosion, ladies and gentlemen.

There’s a heavy amount of chaos in the atmosphere and in my heart. Life has begun to feel like a twisted game. Every time I manage to create some sort of consistent stability within myself and find my balance, here comes another right hook to the gut. I’ve fallen seven times and gotten back up eight but I’m worn out. This few month long emotional roller coaster is doing a number on me.

I spend a great deal of time trying to make sense of those crazy little things called emotions because mine are intense. When I’m happy, I laugh like no other. When I’m lonely, I feel like the only person on the planet. When I’m at calm and peace, I see the beauty in everything. When I’m irritated, I’m cussing everybody out in my head. When I’m determined, I can’t be stopped. When I’m hurt, it feels as if things will never get better. If I was a poker player, I’d lose every time. There’s no hiding how I feel. I can’t pretend and put on a mask like some people. It’s written all over my face. You can hear it in my voice and feel it through my body language.

I’ve learned to process what’s going on in this noggin of mine. Otherwise, I’d be a certified crazy. My thoughts play on a loop until I understand how I got from point A to point B. They linger until I can make sense of them. I’m a hopeful person but I’m too much of a realist to live in a full-blown fantasy land. I’m honest with myself in order to grow from whatever it is I’m feeling.

I’m learning more and more about myself every day that passes.

As of today, I’ve accepted my loved ones as my number one weakness. They come first every time. I put them before myself most days and I don’t mind. I’ll drop whatever I’m doing if they need me – unless  I’m getting my mani/pedi combo, then I’ll be there as soon as the paint dries. Otherwise, I’m there in heartbeat. Pinky promise.

I often worry when something about a person’s demeanor seems different. What if they’re dealing with a situation internally because they assume nobody cares? When in reality, I’m right next to them, arguably caring too much – wondering if I need to mind my own business or follow my instinct make sure they’re okay.

I feel it’s a duty of mine to be there for people. I want to listen to others and help in any way I can. Even after the conversation is over, their stories stay with me. I end carrying their pain and stress by accident. I think about them often. I put myself in their shoes and wonder how they must be feeling. I imagine their level of discomfort and I can’t help but feel for them. There’s times I feel guilty living my simple life because in the back of my mind, I know other people are struggling. It consumes me.

My life long goal is to add happiness where I can. The people in my life are unmatchable and mean the world to me. They deserve to be smiling more often than not. If there’s an issue, I want to help fix it and relieve any unnecessary stress. I’m a people pleaser and I can’t help it. I woke up like this.

So, what does a people pleaser do when they can’t please people? It’s quite simple.
We go absolutely bananas.

My soul aches when I witness people I love undergoing a tremendous amount of stress. Sometimes the problem is bigger than me and I’m left feeling powerless. I want so badly to help, but I can’t. It’s devastating to find myself in the middle of a mess completely out of my control. Those torturous circling thoughts remain because nothing is being solved. It’s a tough place to be mentally.

You end up draining yourself in the midst of doing what you can, stressing about other people’s stress. You do your best to put on a brave face but it takes a toll on you. Now you’re the one that needs a big ol’ hug.

I’m a strong individual but I need comfort and reassurance from time to time. I’ve never had a problem asking for support because I know it’s necessary. Luckily, I have an amazing group of people that stand by my side day in and day out. So you can imagine how it’d be a foreign concept for me to grasp when the same people you can always count on only half-way show up.

The past week has been terrible for me. I’ve broken down and cried by myself more times than I can count. I’ve spent my nights tossing and turning waking up from nightmares. I’ve lashed out to a lot of important people in my life because I felt abandoned or pushed to the side. I’m far from perfect but I do expect people to be there for me the same way I would be there for them. Very rarely have I been let down by those in my life, but it’s bound to happen when you have certain expectations.

It’s hard to appreciate minimal effort when you know they have more to offer. It’s not the end of the world but it starts to feels like it when everything around you is falling apart and it seems like nobody cares. Mix major stress levels with loneliness and it crushes your spirit.

Sometimes we listen to people’s problems but we don’t really hear them. We’re almost programmed to go through the motions of the regular “wow, I’m so sorry, I’m here for you if you want to talk, stay strong, let me know if you need anything, praying for you” kind of thing and then revert back to our own lives as if that really made a difference to them.

There’s roughly eight billion people in this world. Meaning there’s no logical reason we should struggle through any kind of darkness alone.

You can feel people’s energy shift if you take time to observe. Energy doesn’t lie. They can hide all they want (unless they’re a full blown actor – good luck) but if you know somebody’s “normal” you can sense when something isn’t quite right. All you have to do is pay attention.

Do more for the people you love when they’re in need. Show up with ice cream. Facetime instead of texting. Give them a long hug. Write them letter. Even after you’ve convinced yourself there’s not much you can do, think of something. Try harder. Small, thoughtful gestures go a long way.

7 thoughts on “Lonely Chaos

  1. Aw this almost made me cry until you said “So, what does a people pleaser do when they can’t please people? It’s quite simple.
    We go absolutely bananas.” lmao. That was great. I love you and I related to this a lot. I love your lil beautiful soul. ✨

    You found your niche. You have so much talent in writing.

    You go Twinkz

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Such a great post. The definition of Encouragement is the action of giving someone support, confidence, or hope. With everyone moving towards trying to keep their own lives under control, it’s sometimes hard to take a second from your daily tasks and just appreciate the people around you. Tough times mend us into stronger human beings and open our eyes a little more to what we deserve. You, my dear, deserve the entire world on the shiniest platter known to man. Please don’t let a time like this make you lose sight of that for a second.

    You are exceptional at ‘being there’ for everyone. It’s one of your most endearing and engaging qualities about yourself. It’s a quality that you should be very proud of, because it is a lot harder than you’d think to have that 6th sense of awareness towards the people around you – and more importantly following through on that instinct. But with that, it naturally will exhaust you emotionally, and leaves you feeling alone sometimes. We all give and receive love so very differently. I can feel your hurt from miles away and I hope your week turns around.

    Take this time to take a deep breath, and give yourself a big big big big hug. I’m sorry you feel alone, bestest. I vote ….. we get some self-lovin’ in and plan ourselves something special. I love you to pieces and can’t wait to hug you!

    Xoxoxoxo,
    KB

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I can relate to this 1000% and it’s somewhat comforting to know that I’m not alone in my thoughts but also devasting as I know how you feel and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Wishing you all the best and thank you for being so pure and honest in this post 💙

    Liked by 1 person

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